


of groupchats and judaism's stances on cryptid consumption

by The_Onion_Wanton



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cryptids, Pesterlog, jewish strilondes, yet another groupchat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 07:57:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11054658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Onion_Wanton/pseuds/The_Onion_Wanton
Summary: TG: right got on a tangent sozTG: are cryptids kosher





	of groupchats and judaism's stances on cryptid consumption

**Author's Note:**

> this was og a part of a larger work (about lesbians and college alcoholism) but kinda hit an art block on that one and i like this bit as a stand-alone so

TG: okay i know its like five in the morning but i also know none of us have a normal sleeping schedule and ill need your input right about three seconds ago

GG: hi dave!!

TG: damn jade good girl best friend i knew i could count on you id bear your children if i werent disgusted by the prospect of pushing a human being out of my dick

EB: and you also have a boyfriend?!

TG: okay a i could be a damn fine surrogate and b why are you obsessed with my relationship status trust me i know hes passed out on me right this moment and its beautiful i already took so many pictures and im printing them out and tattooing them on my person as we speak because its straight up art sorry gustav klimt the only thing worth looking at is my boyfriend gently salivating onto my pj clad chest

EB: dave.

TG: right got on a tangent soz

TG: are cryptids kosher

EB: i’m

EB: going back to sleep.

TG: thats ok youd be useless anyways @jade @rose 

EB: why is this important to you right now?

EB: since when do you care about what is kosher?

TG: maybe im getting more in touch with my roots get off my back

GG: well, depends on which cryptid i think?? Like yeti and bigfoot definitely aren’t but chupacabra?

GG: oh, no, wait, i think it’s considered a predator!! so that’s a no

EB: jade?

GG: john?

EB: why do you know all of this?

GG: two of my best friends are jewish?

EB: yes, but

EB: dave doesn’t know all of this?

GG: well dave’s a doof !!! of course id learn i wanted to be able to share my snacks with rose :D

TT: My heart is warm and my roommate officially better than all of yours combined.

TG: think again my roommate sucked my dick

TT: Happy for you, Dave.

TG: also swallow your words john guess whos reading wikipedia articles on their own heritage as we speak

TT: Why, I am impressed.

TT: Been fruitlessly trying to get you invested for years but apparently all it took was one essay you had to procrastinate.

TG: i know right youre incompetent

TT: Love you too.

TT: And I am so glad that you have asked this question because, 

TT: Brother.

TT: Do I have answers.

TG: oh my fuck rose yes i love you

TG: youre my new favourite sibling dont tell roxy

TT: My mouth is sealed.

EB: oh my god.

GG: !!! 

GG: rose rose are the men-eating trees kosher? 

TG: i mean they eat men that doesnt sound kosher to me

GG: Yes but they’re plants!! Technically

TG: fuck youre right

EB: oh my god you guys!!! they aren’t real

TG: shut your mouth adults are talking

GG: yes john!! Shut your mouth :B

TG: rose whats the verdict

TT: As honoured as I am that you consider me the judge of this, I don’t think it’s on me to decide whether or not you’re allowed to feast on one of those fine specimens.

TT: That being said, Torah does say all plant life was given to men to eat.

TT: (Genesis 1:29)

TT: So, yes. They are kosher.

TG: !!! fuck yes

EB: dave they don’t exist!!

TG: cant hear you over the sound of my stomach that could one day digest a man eating plant 

EB: you’re so dumb.

EB: and you ate a ham sandwich like, this afternoon.

TG: nomnomnom

TT: Any other cryptids you’re curious about?

TG: fuck ill have to think on this

GG: any you want to tell us about?

TT: Why, thank you for asking.

TT: Leviathan.

TT: Kosher.

TT: Boom.

GG: sweet!! 

EB: is the leaviathan even a cryptid?

TG: oh totes it was on that femme-butch lesbian scale and all its official

TT: What my brother said.

TT: She’s kosher and a lesbian. 

EB: isnt it a giant snake?? I think snakes arent kosher

TG: oh ho is someone joining in

TG: do i see google searches being done in mid-darkness despearately and with shame

EB: you’re being weird again.

TT: Be it a snake or a lesbian, she fits the criteria.

EB: what if, a snake lesbian?

TT: Now we’re talking.

EB: love you too, rose.

TG: oh fuck it was literally promised to us

TG: this is the best day of my life

GG: ?? whats going on i want to be excited too!!

TG: Is a serpent kosher? No.  
Is a whale or any other marine mammal kosher? No.  
Does the Talmud say we will eat it someday? Yes.  
Can the Talmud teach against Torah? No.  
Therefore, the leviathan that we will eat one day, whatever it is, will be Kosher. --Aryeh Jay, 5/15/2015 dude saved my life

TG: dude saved 2016

TG: a year in advance

TG: i am in tears rose

TT: I’m glad.

TT: Go to bed, though.

GG: sweet!! 

EB: why are we friends again?

EB: (jk i love you guys.)

TT: We love you too, John.

EB: not as much as the leviathan, though?

TT: I’ll never love anything as much as I love the Leviathan.

TG: cant believe youll eat your monstrous wife

TG: oh fuck thats a sex joke shes been making a sex joke

TT: Only indirectly.

GG: hahahah nice one!!

GG: wait.

GG: okay, i have a weird question?

TT: is it about oral sex being kosher?

GG: ...maybe??

EB: do you have an answer?

TG: why are you curious

EB: obviously?

GG: rose !!

TG: yeah rose

TT: :)

TT: I have a powerpoint on this. Give me a moment.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! im the-onion-slut @tumblr and onionProstitute @twitter if you want to hmu


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